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By admin, February 19, 2012 6:32 pm

Genesis 13

Abram, his wife, his livestock, his servants (slaves) and his gold all left Egypt and backtracked to the place where Abram built his altar. His nephew, Lot, had not simply been slouching about this whole time and had gathered up his own flock and servants (slaves) and various hangers-on. Between the two men there seems to have been a lot of people involved.  Enough so that quarrels and such began.

Abram does something smart and suggests that the two groups split.  He says there is plenty of land so that Lot can go one way and Abram will go the other. There seems to be a tiny issue with people still living on the land, but when you have the creator of the world on your side, these things can seem trivial.

Lot heads down to Jordan.  Abram sticks to Canaan.  In Jordan is also Sodom. There is some not-so-subtle foreshadowing about the Lord wiping it out, so I presume Lot doesn’t know that he’s walking his people into a shitstorm. Life can be unfair, I suppose.

The Lord promises all the land Abram can see to him and promises that Abram’s offpring will be like the dust (a LOT of dust). Abram builds another altar.  The Lord likes altars, I guess.

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By admin, February 19, 2012 6:04 pm

Genesis 12

So, now the Lord sends out some old guy from his land. So Abram (said old guy) takes his wife, his nephew Lot and all the stuff and people he acquired (slaves?) and heads out to Canaan because Lord said if you do, your friends will be awesome and your enemies destroyed.  He stops in a couple places, builds some alters…  And apparently, the land the Lord has promised him already has people, the Canaanites, but we aren’t told any more about that.  Instead we are treated to a disturbing story that takes place in Egypt, where Abram has stopped due a famine (the Lord isn’t making it easy for him I guess)

Abram thinks his wife, Sarai, is so hot, that the Egyptians will kill him to take her, but if he were her brother, they will let him alone. We have no idea if this is true or not, but Abram thinks so and makes sure everyone thinks shes his sister.  This seems to go OK for a while with Abram getting some livestock and slaves while in Egypt.

Sarai turns out the actually be beautiful enough to attract the attention of the Pharaoh.  Since everyone has been told that Sarai is Abram sister (NOT his wife) the Pharaoh decides he wants her and actually takes her. The Lord seems to side with the liar and punishes the Pharaoh for stealing Abram’s wife.  The Pharaoh seems to figure this out and gives Sarai back and has his kicked out.

So, the big question is for Sarai: Why did you let the Pharaoh “take you as his wife” (wink wink, nudge nudge)? Did you have NO input in this at all?  Was she really expected to cheat on her husband to follow his command about being his sister?

The clear lesson here is that the Lord will side with a liar. Got it, lying is OK. This won’t be contradicted anywhere else.

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By admin, October 12, 2011 12:42 pm

Genesis 11

This starts out with the a story of man spreading out, but having one language, which makes sense since they are all directly descended from 6 people! These industrious people decided to build a city.  Ok, that sounds good.

Then they decided to build a tower.  And not just ANY tower, but one that reaches to the heavens. Their reasoning was apparently to “make a name for themselves” and to all stay together.  God seems to think this a bad idea.  He doesn’t want them to actually accomplish what they plan.  So he says to someone else in heaven Gen 11:7 that they should make it impossible to achieve their goals.  He does this by making them all speak different languages and scattered them.

Now, we could assume that He did this by clan, since in Gen 10 it states that each clan had it’s own language. Gen 10:5, Gen 10:20, Gen 10:31.  It doesn’t say so, but it makes sense, despite the narrative being bass-ackward.

This just seems like a little ad-hocary to explain why people have so many different languages.  Not the first, and I doubt the last.

But, wait, there’s more: lineage! *cheering!*

Really, more lineage.  The only significant difference is the mention of both sons AND daughters.  You’ve come a long way, baby!

Shem has Arphaxad who has *snore….

8 generation later we get a little story about Terah.  One of his 3 sons dies, Haran, but had a son.  He takes that grandson, one of his boys, Abram, and Abram’s barren wife to Canaan, but never get there.  Instead they just stopped in Canaan and plopped down there.

Oh, and these people are still living hundreds of years.

Note: These people apparently ran out of names for things a lot, because they are naming cites and kids after each other with alarming regularity.  It gets confusing.

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By admin, October 12, 2011 12:14 pm

Genesis 10

Lineage blah blah lineage blah blah.

A couple things of note though:

• Not a single daughter is mentioned
• Canaan’s clans

I mention the first because, well, the earth is empty.  How are all these sons (a LOT of them) going to multiply on  the earth without some cousins to screw?

The other thing doesn’t mention Canaan’s curse, but mentions his sons and their clans, which scatter. A bit of a plot hole, if you ask me.

Other than that, this chapter is a snoozefest.  Let’s move on.

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By admin, October 12, 2011 12:04 pm

Genesis 9

Now that everyone and everything is dead, God wants Noah and his boys (oh, and wives, but whatever) to fill the earth again.  He promises to be nicer next time, but still has some rules.  These are mostly about blood.

Oh, but look, a rainbow!  God says that this minor trick of light refracting off water droplets is REALLY his promise to NOT KILL EVERYONE AGAIN!  What a guy! The implication is that water refraction didn’t work before that moment.  Either that or he simply co-opted a common natural phenomenon.

Now, in the next bit of the narrative we get an intriguing story of a drunken Noah and a sadistic bit of punishment.  Apparently, the great and holiest of men that God could find gets so drunk he passes out naked.  His son, Ham sees him as such (no other narrative about this, mind you).  When Noah finds out, he freaks out.  No explination as to WHY Noah finds this bad, but he curses Ham’s son, Canaan, to be a slave.

Yes folks, he decides that because Ham was “wrong” that Ham’s son, his own grandson and all his descendants since up to now that is how curses work, should be punished.  The children pay for the sins of the father.

Noah declares Canaan a slave of Shem and Jepheth and has God extend Jepheth’s lands, presumibly to take over Canaan’s.

And Noah lived to be 950.